Carl and I had known each other for more than 20 years before getting together just before his daughter died aged just 16. The unimaginable grief sent Carl into a downward spiral where he did not look after himself properly and subsequently suffered ill health. Together we went through the tortuous process of scans, tests, hospital stays and difficult conversations that eventually led him to ask the question “have I reached palliative care stage?” He was told ‘yes’.
Despite everything Carl was determined to enjoy life and get as much out of the time he had left as possible, and to leave me and his family with as many good memories as possible. Within 3 weeks of being referred to the palliative care team at St Peter & St James Hospice he whisked me to Paris for 3 nights which included a once in a lifetime a la carte meal and show at the Moulin Rouge. A belated honeymoon, thank you, I love you and goodbye all rolled into one. There were smiles, laughter and so many tears. 
I treasure these magical memories. Carl loved and lived life to the full, especially at Christmas. He loved this time of year. Our last Christmas together was wonderful, despite the challenges, it was filled with chocolates, roast dinner with all the trimmings and lots of cheese! It was hard celebrating last Christmas without Carl, but we remember how he would have wanted every day to be filled with laughter, silliness and fun.
The hospice is my happy place. This might be a strange thing to say, but it’s true. When Carl was admitted he was terrified of the dark and of dying alone. However, we were wrapped in love and safety from the moment we arrived, nothing was too much trouble, the doctors took time to watch Carl and listen to his breathing and take on board my thoughts and feelings.
Knowing that Carl wanted to see the donkeys it was arranged for them to visit him in his room. I will never forget that experience, it was just an hour before he died and provided the most gentle, calm and dignified way to say goodbye.
I have continued coming to the hospice since Carl’s death, visiting the Living Well Centre and taking time to remember those magical memories that we made here.
